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01:23 am
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Nostalgia
I cant fall asleep right now. I keep thinking about high school and failed friendships. Hanging out at Miraz until the wee hours. Everything happens for a reason right? There are always those what ifs though. sigh...
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10:55 am
[Link] | If I ever saw her I would punch her.
This is making my heart hurt.
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01:25 am
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update
I cant wait to be done with school. This semester has sucked so much and I have no motivation left to further nourish it.
On the other hand, I am so glad it is actually starting to get warm. I love the smell of spring, or rather of warmth period. There really is a smell, I am not crazy. Hopefully someone gets what I am saying.
I miss living by a forest. I use to hate it, but now I miss hearing the frogs singing at night. It is too quite around here.
I cant fall asleep tonight. I need to start sleeping more. I hear sleep deprivation causes weight and that is a very touchy subject for me.
I am pretty confident with myself now though. About fucking time though, it only took about 10 years of my conscious life. Granted before the age of nine, I was oblivious to all the physical standards of society and therefore could not fall victim to them. Hopefully my confidence lasts this time and does not manage to slip away as before.
I do need to start eating better though. I dont want to eat at night anymore, or when I am not hungry. I want to cut fast food to about once a month or none at all. Im starting to work on these things, but its hard to change eating habits, at least for me.
At least it is warm now though, so I can get outside more. No more snow.
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10:01 am
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...
Man school is boring this semester.
You've changed so much, I dont even know what to do.
Current Mood:  blah
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05:27 pm
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wow
I havent updated in a long time. I didnt realize that until right now. I guess life is okay. Its okay.
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11:17 am
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9-19-07
Last night my last rat died while I was at work. It was really sad because she was fine when I left for my dorm Tuesday morning. My called me that night to tell me that she had blood (porophyn sp?) around her eyes and nose. She apparently couldnt even walk at that point. She did have a large uterine tumor so im thinking it had something to do with that, but I didnt expect it to be so sudden. I wish I could have been there. I will miss you tahlulah. I will miss you both. Alteast you are both together now. They both died shortly after their third birthdays.
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10:07 pm
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If you miss me
Like you say you do then why aren't you with me now?
Current Mood:  annoyed
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10:07 am
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...
Last night anthony told me that he didnt want to live with me anymore. I mean we dont live together so it shouldnt really be a big deal, but for some reason that hurts me. I want to live with him more than anything and to hear him say he doesnt want the same is like a slap in the face. It makes me feel horrible. I know im a difficult person, but to know im so difficult to change someones mind and make them not live with me. I dont know. He use to want to live with me just as much as i want to live with him and now thats gone. Im good at ruining things i guess.
Current Mood:  numb
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09:52 pm
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8-8-07
You waited for me.
I held you close as you gasped for air.
I told you I loved you before your last breath.
You were my best little animal friend.
I will miss you Leilah.
Leilah
7-16-04 ~ 8-8-07
Current Mood: sad
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02:07 pm
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Convo
A: Your favorite season is fall isnt it?
R: Yeah, it is...
A: I can tell because of the colors you wear.
I'm going to lose you in fall.
R: What?
A: People are going to say Whats with that pile of leaves? And I will say its just Rachael.
............................................................................................
For some reason I thought that was really cute.
I wrote it on a piece of paper at work the next day so I didn't forget it. :P
Current Mood:  blank
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10:16 am
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thoughts
why can't we wake up early and walk around the lake?
why can't we go to common grounds?
why can't we hang around 24 hour diners like we had no life?
why can't we go on stupid adventures?
why can't we take the train to chicago? and why can't we go eat at the noodle place?
why can't it be like before? i miss hanging out with justin. i miss rachael.
^ We can and we will. Dammit.
On another note.
I dont know if I want to dorm anymore. I have a bad feeling about it :/
I know some people may think this sounds ridiculous after only being with someone for about four months but I am in love.
I know we are still getting to know each other too, but of what I know I like.
He is such a beautiful person. I mean I know he has his moments, but so do I.
Its so different then when I was with danny.
Anthony does all those little things.
He says things that I dreamed of hearing before and does things I only heard about from other couples.
I love the random kisses when we are walking. I love when he holds me when I fall asleep, especially when he asks me over and over if I am comfortable.
I dont feel the urge to run away with him.
He makes me so happy.
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08:55 pm
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update
I miss last semester and the people in it.
I want this semester to end.
I want to punch eddy in the face almost everyday.
I miss habitually hanging out with my heartbuddy.
I long for my friends that are far away.
I wish brooke didnt go to ohio for her break.
I cant decide if I hate my job or not.
Im really short on cash right now.
Im still panicking about my car.
I did meet someone who makes me happy.
I daydream about him when Im in class.
Sometimes I dont get why he likes me so much.
how sweet and sour...
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12:34 am
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...
I can really say that I hate my mom. I really hate her. I wish it werent like that, but she has never liked me. I even remember when I was little how much she disliked me. I remember her calling me a fatass when I was in middle school. I remember when I got my period, and I didnt know what was going on and she accused me of having sex. I was 12 years old. I hate how she favors my brother when he is such a bad kid. I dont understand. I hate how she tells me Im lazy now and that she is better than me. I try, I really do. Its hard sometimes. Im never fucking good enough for her, never. When I leave I am never coming back. I am never talking to her.
Tonight sucked.
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06:31 pm
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This took me all day.
It is a low relief for my 3D art class. I like it.
The coloring is strange because I dont have a digi cam.
I tried :P
Current Mood: blank
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01:18 am
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the london underground
The older and older I get.
The more and more I realize how fucked up my family is.
I feel alienate.
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07:21 am
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the south
Ive been neglecting you livejournal, I am sorry.
So I went to go make a back of chips for my lunch today.
well, we had no chips, just 4 bags of different flavored pork rinds.
How hillbilly is that?
MOTHER FUCKING PORK RINDS.
Then, I went to make my sandwich....
No peanutbutter.
I guess I will have a cheese sandwich...
No cheese.
MOTHER FUCKER.
My house sucks. Now I dont have a lunch :[
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10:25 pm
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Neurons Without Dendrites
Far away places.
Memories without traces.
Recurring themes.
Contorted dreams.
Synaptic convulsions.
Emotional repulsions.
Current Mood:  content
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11:18 pm
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silhouettes
Our silhouettes danced in the sunken glow of the autumn sun.
We played until our shadows crept up from the dampened earth.
The amber autumn sun began to sink behind the clouds.
We sang to the sun, beckoning him to stay longer.
The sky was stained by the sun's hazy afterglow.
O, amber autumn sun, why must you leave?
Why are you sneaking below the horizon?
We watched our shadows dance as the sun fell further and further off his throne in the sky.
The warm air began to grow cold without his vivacity.
We looked with buggy eyes and gapping mouths as our shadows grew taller and taller.
It was almost like the sun was trying to drag us down with him.
The moon began to peak from the far corner of the earth.
Not long after, the amber autumn sun took his final bow.
He fell behind the skyline.
The chill of winter crept up to take his place.
Our silhouettes froze under the glare of the bitter winter moon.
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02:27 pm
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work in progress
The little girl stared into the sun, she held her heart in her hands.
Next to her was a young boy holding a balloon.
"I wonder whats out there..." said the little girl, to the boy, as she watched the clouds swirl.
"The world is so big, I will never get to see it all."
He did not say a word, the little boy. He carefully untied the red balloon from his wrist and handed it to her. The balloon bounced about and happily saluted the sun.
"What's this for?" said the little girl.
After a pause the boy said "It's for you, tie your heart to it and set it free."
"I can't." said the little girl.
"Why not?" said the little boy.
"Because I am scared it will never come back to me, then I can not love." said the little girl.
The little boy, he did not know what to say. They stood there looking at each other atop the hill.
Then, the little boy looked at the little girl and said "If you never set your heart free, than you'll never know whats out there. How will you know if you don't try?"
"Than I guess I will never know." said the little girl.
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12:55 am
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A.M. Realizations
I know a handful of people that will be happy about this entry.
For the past two weeks, when I look in the mirror, I actually see beauty.
Its a strange unfamiliar feeling, but I like it.
I may not be stick thin, but I am not supposed to be.
I have soft curves; in fact, I dont know anyone that has a body similar to mine.
Im realizing that most of my weight is in my hips.
I dont really have a gut or anything.
I also now realize that my fear of getting fatter and fatter wont happen.
It is impossible unless I eat more than I should, and I have been eating good lately.
Or become extremely lazy.
My face is okay, I guess.
No major complaints.
My teeth, lots of people have spaces.
If someone judges me on that than fuck them.
Im not going to waste 6,000 dollars that I dont have to look like everyone else.
I just have to take care of myself and be positive.
Then, everything will be okay.
Current Mood:  awake
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